Kingdom Idiots
by Minoten
Summary: THE IDIOCY finally CONTINUES! Kairi is determined to finish that godforsaken raft, and you can guess which two tards aren't helping. Did we mention the recent ninja infestation that has hit the island?
1. Beach bums and Neutralizers

~Strange Dreamy Place~11:53 AM   
  
Sora - I've been having these strange thoughts lately. Like, is any of this for real? Or not?  
*Two familiar figures appear out of the shadows*  
Riku - Ok, cue the intro music: Simple and Clean, sung by Brittany Spears!  
Kairi - *Smacks Riku with giant paper fan* Dangnabbit, get it right!  
Riku - Owww! Right, I mean, Christina Agularia! *THWAK*  
Kairi- *Hits him again* I'm warning you!  
Riku - *Rubbing welt* Ok, ok! Utada Hikaru!  
*'It's Your Birthday' begins playing*  
Kairi-*THWACK*  
Riku - OWWW!!! That was my head!  
Kairi - Good boy, now sit! Ok, ACTION! *SNAP*  
*'Simple and Clean' begins playing*  
Sora - Uh... Why are you two here?  
Kairi - Oh! shoot! Look what you did Riku!  
Riku - Me? You are the one who forgot to close the screen!  
Kairi - That was YOUR job! *Pulls out Neutralizer, Riku and Kairi put on shades* Ok, now look right here. This never happened *CLICK*  
*Bright white light flashes, Kairi and Riku are gone, Sora is alone, the surroundings are completely black nothingness...*  
Sora - *Falling* AAARRRRRGGGGGG!!!! *Approaches flat ground, with a picture etched in it* Ohhh! Snow White! *SMACK* Ita!  
Godly Voice - Step forward.  
Sora - EEP! MOMMY! *Turns and runs into wall behind him*  
Godly Voice - DONT RUN INTO THE FRICKING WALL!  
Sora - *Dazed* Yes... Ma'am…! *Stumbles forward*  
Godly Voice - Ok, now run around. Get used to how to move and maneuver.  
Sora - Ok. *Runs around, sees curtain* What's behind that curtain? *Walks up to curtain*  
Godly Voice - NO! Don't do that!  
Sora - Why not? *Opens curtain*  
Minotenko (Godly Voice) - Uh! Ignore the girl you see behind the curtain! It is a figment of your imagination!  
Sora - Um... Why are you talking as if you don't exist?  
Minotenko - Aw, frag. I'm exposed! AIGHHHH!!! *Turns and runs away*  
Sora - Ok... That was strange... Huh?  
*Ground begins to rumble then shatter*  
Sora - *Falling (again)* YAHHHHHHH!!!!  
~Destiny Islands~1:17PM  
  
Sora - *Wakes up, clutches head* Ohhh... Oww, my friggin' head.  
Kairi - Hey! Wake up!  
Sora - *Looks over* Huh?  
Kairi - You lazy arse. You were asleep again... Hey, you got stoned again, didn't you?  
Sora - Huh? No! What makes you think that I did?  
Kairi - Well, mainly because you bong is right there. *Points to the bong laying next to Sora*  
Sora - Huh? *Looks over* Oh, CRAP! *Grabs bong, gets up and runs off*  
Kairi - Get back here!  
Sora - Ahhh! No!  
Riku - *Sees Sora run past* Yeah, you go ahead and run like a kitty!  
Sora - That's the idea!  
Riku - Get back here, ya stupid fool.  
Sora - You gotta catch me!  
Riku - *Runs after Sora, catching up quickly*  
Sora - (With wavering voice) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!! *Runs into a tree* OW! Why did you hit me?! *Looks forward and sees Kairi standing in front of him*  
Kairi - *Grabs Sora* Gotcha!  
Sora - Awww! How did you get there?  
Kairi - Heehee, what you didn't realize... Was that you ran around in a complete circle!  
Riku - Haha! IDIOT!  
Kairi - Now you must help us with the raft... 


	2. Poupu and Arnold Swartzanager

Heheheh. I am SOOOO sorry this took so danged long. (What if I shaved my head as penance?!) Anyhoo, thanks to Spectra16 & Sokairu for reviewing. Hmmm. a Jafar/Maleficent certainly sounds.weird. I'll try! Oh yes, funny quote:  
  
"Bart, with a thousand dollars, we could be millionaires! Then we could buy the things that really matter in life like...looooove." - Homer Simpson  
  
Anyways. ON TO THE LONG-AWAITED:  
  
CHAPTER 2! (Dun, dun, dun.)  
  
~Destiny Islands~ 5:12 PM  
  
*We join the trio as they sit on a half-dead palm tree, talking about absolutely nothing in particular except useless crap* (.Much like what my God-sisters, Leyla and Olivia, and I do. Ain't that right, girls?^.^)  
  
Riku: .I mean it's been what, thirty years? And Arnold Swartzanager STILL hasn't lost that accent.  
  
Sora: *Stretches over the tree* I know, right?  
  
Kairi: You've been thinking too much, Riku.  
  
Sora: (Sarcastically) Whoa. Riku can think?! Whowouldathunkit?  
  
Riku: Up yours.  
  
Sora: Bite me.  
  
Kairi: I swear. You two. are hopeless.  
  
Riku: *Rolls eyes* Gee, thanks, Kairi.  
  
Sora: Yeah, whatever. *Nudges Kairi with his foot*  
  
Kairi: *Growls* Touch me again and see if you make it to driving age!  
  
Riku & Sora: ....... -_-;  
  
~5 Minutes Later~  
  
Riku: Hey, Sora!  
  
Sora: Huh?  
  
*Sora turns around, only to be smacked in the face with a Poupu fruit*  
  
Sora: *Peels the busted fruit off his face* Ow! Riku!  
  
Riku: You wanted to share one with her, didn't you? Go on. I dare you.  
  
Sora: My butt I will! No!  
  
Riku: Yes.  
  
Sora: No!  
  
Riku: Yes.  
  
Sora: No.  
  
Riku: Yes.  
  
Sora: No.  
  
Riku: Yes.  
  
Sora: No.  
  
Riku: No.  
  
Sora: Yes-DOH!  
  
Riku: *Walks past him* HA!  
  
Sora: Ooh. you!  
  
Riku: *Continues laughing maniacally*  
  
Sora: I'LL KILL YOU!  
  
Riku: *looks to see a very angry, fiery-eyed boy brandishing a wooden sword and runs, still laughing*  
  
Kairi: *Jumps and sees her two boyf-.uh.-Idiots rush past and shouts:* Guys! That's it.NO MORE HELIUM FOR YOU TWO!  
  
Riku & Sora: Awww.  
  
*Silence*  
  
Riku: Hey, Sora, wanna go beat the crap out of each other?  
  
Sora: SURE! ^.^  
  
Kairi: Aaarrrgh! *Smacks face in exasperation*  
  
So ends yet another chapter of KINGDOM HEARTS REWRITE! Woo! Yeah! *Cough* Uhm, yeah. *Shifty eyes* So, provided you forgive me, please review! Love. 


	3. When Ninja Attack!

Kairi: Today's the day we begin work on our raft! Let's get started.

Sora: ...Um... question. Why did it take Mino-sama 13 months to update this already hopelessly decadent fan fic?

Kairi: (Thwacks Sora with the fan) DON'T ASK STUPID QUESTIONS!

Sora: Ow.

Mino: (appears behind Kairi) Um, I've kinda been a little... preoccupied.

Kairi: ACK-! Don't do that!!

((Two Ninja suddenly come in))

Muscular ninja dude w. a big sword: There's the hostage! Haku, don't let that freak of nature get away again!

Teenage ninja of indeterminate gender: Yessir, Zabuza-san! (Bounds at Mino)

Mino: AAAAAAAH! NOT AGAIN!

Kairi & Sora: OO;

((3 seconds later, Haku has successfully tied and gagged Mino))

Haku: All done! Shall we continue our plans of conquest?

Zabuza: Indeed. But first, let's go eat food.

Haku: Yay!

((Haku walks off with Zabuza, dragging Mino behind by a rope))

Mino: X.X

((Kairi & Sora continue staring a few minutes after they are gone, until finally...))

Kairi: Well, that was... weird.

Sora: What was weird?

Kairi: _DUH. _That weirdo and those two ninja that came outta nowhere! You saw 'em!

Sora: I did?

Kairi: _YES!_

Sora: No, no. I'm quite certain I took the red pill instead of the blue one.

Kairi: (Blinks) What is it with you?

Sora: Mommy dropped me lots when I was little...

Kairi: Whatever. Where the heck is Riku? He was supposed to bring the Mike's Hard Lemona- I mean root beer.

Sora: Who's Riku?

Kairi: Sora.

Sora: Yes'm?

Kairi: You aren't actually supposed to _drink_ the bong water.

Sora: I'm not?

Kairi: (forehead vein pulses) T.T

Sora: GAAAAAAAH! _NOT THE FAN! RIKU, HELP MEEE!_

Riku: (Appears on top of a palm tree in a super hero cape) Hark! Did someone call for 'Help!' ?

Sora: Dude, you look like a _DORK!_

Kairi: You like yourself don't you, Riku?

Riku: Who wouldn't?

Sora: ME! I COMPLETELY HATE YOU! XP

Riku: What? Kindly kick you face? If you say so.

Sora: That's not what I- AAACK! (-WHUMP-) (Riku jumps from the tree and plants his feet in Sora's face) Ow, my nose is bleeding! (They begin to brawl)

Kairi : It would be really great if lighting could strike me and save me the humiliation of being trapped on this insane asylum with a bunch of idiots...

((A little while later...))

Kairi: Okay, my loyal minions, I believe we are done here!

Riku: What if this doesn't work? What if something goes wrong? What if The Raft springs a leak and we drown? WHAT IF WE WASH UP ON THE SHORES OF A DARK AND SECLUDED ISLAND WHERE THERE RESIDES HUNDREDS OF ANGRY RABID KOALAS THAT WILL EAT OUR BRAINS?! WHAT IF-

Kairi: (Shoves Sora's head into Riku's mouth) SHUT IT, FAT HEAD! This will work! Now, I'm gonna go get some stuff. Stay here, and don't let Sora touch **anything**!

((Kairi runs off, leaving the other two in an awkward silence))

Sora: Um... You didn't brush this morning, didja, Riku?

Riku: (growls)

((A few hours later..))

Sora: (Still in Riku's mouth) 'And to think, Malkus Vile would have got away with it if it wasn't for us pesky Neopets!'

Riku: (Blinks) What is it with you?

Sora: Mommy dropped me lots when I was little...

((Silence))

Sora: Hey, Riku?

Riku: (Sigh) _What?_

Sora: Are you gonna finish that cupcake?

Riku: Don't make me hurt you.

((Kairi returns))

Kairi: Got the stuff!

Sora: (No longer in Riku's mouth, just don't ask how.) 'Nother question.

Kairi: Yeah?

Sora: Um, ya know that ninja kid from earlier? Do you think that was a girl or guy?

Kairi: Who, Haku? Yeah, I haven't a clue.

Riku: Waitaminute, Waitaminute!! Was this a black-haired Haku who was wearing a blue kimono and makeup?

Kairi: (Gasp!) Y-yes! How did you...?

Riku: NO TIME TO TALK, THAT, THAT KID OWES ME MUNNY! (Runs off)

Sora: Whut th' hey?

Kairi: I smell something fishy...

Sora: Well, duh, Kairi. We only live on an **ISLAND.**

Kairi: That's it. (Grabs Sora and sends him hurtling into the ocean)

Sora: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! ((SPLOOSH))

(((To be continued, maybe eventually... If you REVIEW!)))


End file.
